[Submitted by: thegirlinthebyakko
Agents Romanoff and Barton are hereby informed that I’m well aware of the little bet between them and that ‘who can scare the shit out of the most Helicarrier staff in a month’ is not an appropriate use of their time. The counselling office is full, there are three people crying in my office, and Agent Hill is starting to develop that nervous twitch in her left eye again.]
[Submitted by: 42andeverything
Mr. Stark is reminded that attempting to sleep with the instructor of the sexual harassment seminar is frowned upon. She is fully combat trained, and will not increase your score.
All agents are reminded that there is no official S.H.I.E.L.D sponsored pool on the number of times Mr. Stark will be required to take the sexual harassment seminar in a given month. Agent Barton will returning all bets already placed immediately.]
[Submitted by: blasfemme
Claiming a section of the Helicarrier as a sovereign territory by planting a flag in said section does not make it a queen/kingdom. Therefore, declaring diplomatic immunity for any ensuing felonies and or crimes will not be allowed.
Citizens of “Starklandia,” “Clintopolis,” and “Darcytopia” will immediately disband or face disciplinary action.]
[Submitted by: saganth
Effective immediately, there is to be NO golf swing practice on the flight deck of the Helicarrier, whether it is airborne or not.
Mister Stark’s claim that the gunnery operators and/or Agent Barton “need more moving-target practice” will not be considered an acceptable excuse. Encouraging Thor to eliminate in-flight balls will also not be tolerated. I should not have to point out the safety hazards of such actions, especially over a populated area.
This rule applies to maneuvers both over land AND water. I am tired of getting angry messages from Namor, who has actually threatened to shoot down the Helicarrier with his apparently vast collection of Spaldings and Titleists.
No putting practice either.]
[Submitted by: uplink
This memo is to remind all bridge crew (and Agent Barton) that the large red button marked ‘Self-Destruct’ at my station does not, in fact, activate the S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier auto-destruct system. I wrote most of the rules for being an evil overlord.
I have wired this button to activate the self-destruct mechanism for Mr. Stark’s espresso machine. Pressing the button will also send a picture of the perpetrator to Mr. Stark’s inbox. You have been warned.]
[Submitted by: Gerald C Kirby
While Ms. Wanda Maximoff has a history of amnesia, agents are prohibited from trying to “remind” her about the time they won the lottery.
While we’re on the topic, I would personally like to thank Agent Barton for his extremely generous donation to S.H.I.E.L.D.’s fund to support the families of agents lost in the line of duty.]
[Submitted by: Miz Jed
Lawn darts are not an approved recreational activity on the Helicarrier’s flightdeck, doubly so when we are launching aircraft.
Agent Barton should also consider that saying ”Hey y’all, watch this!” has typically been the precursor to his last few reprimands.]
[Submitted by: madmaudlingoes
The Allied victory in World War Two was the result of the hard work and sacrifice of many nations. In light of that fact:
—Mr. Stark and Agent Barton will apologize to the members of Excalibur for implying that the Avengers or the U.S.A. “saved [their] asses in the war.”
—Same as above, but to the French ambassador.
—Agent Romanov will apologize to everyone and help Mr. Stark fix whatever the hell she did to everyone’s ring-tones.
—On a related note, “Katyusha” has now been added to the list of forbidden songs aboard the Helicarrier.
—Capt. Rogers is to stop giving everyone that disappointed look.]