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Esoterica

karnythia

Esoterica: I have so many conversations with “good” black men who were out & out...

freakygeekyblerd:

karnythia:

I have so many conversations with “good” black men who were out & out dogs until they found religion or whatever. Like years of just being wild as fuck, running through women like they were changing their socks wild, who will tell you in a minute that they’ll only wife a girl who is A) a virgin or…

A cousin had the worst wedding night ever because she was a virgin and wasn’t prepared for how logistically challenging a first time of PIV sex can be.  Just save yourself the way “Jesus” wants you to and all will be well.  All the pomp and circumstance just made the fall into reality a longer distance.  Needless to say, we were never told anything about pleasing ourselves or our partner.  I suppose “Jesus” was supposed to take care of that too.

Thankfully I’ve always known I couldn’t deal with a man whose gender politics were as hypocritical as the ones described above.  I’ve never had the spoons/energy for cognitive dissonance. That’s a short cut route for getting dropped out of my life.

Going forward I HAVE to have a partner that is comfortable with having frank discussions about sex, pleasure and what they want to give/receive.  It seems people want relationships, but don’t actually want to RELATE to their partners at all.  So what’s the point if you’re just full of shit and lie to yourself and others?  Stuff like this is why I’m happy to remain single.  It’s much easier.  When I think of all the people that I know who are paired up there are only a handful of them who have something I would want.

Yeah, I wound up having the “This is what should happen” convo with a religious friend of mine who’s brand new husband had never been with a virgin & thus their first time was awful. Mind you, he wasn’t a virgin but he didn’t have a clue about extended foreplay or well…much of anything beyond what it took to make him get off.

strugglingtobeheard

women give fake numbers and names for a reason.

thegoddamazon:

sourcedumal:

thegoddamazon:

strugglingtobeheard:

when i was a teenager and in my early twenties, it was so hard to say no without being fearful of the reaction. i’ve been called bitch, ho, had men try to really follow me and convince me, plead, beg and get violent. so i learned quickly that in most cases, no wasn’t an ok response. even if i said i had a boyfriend or a partner, the response would generally be “so?” (because people who have no respect for that are totally cool potential partners or fuck buddies *Eyeroll*). so i lied. i still use a fake name when i’m out in the streets depending on how i feel. especially when i was dancing, if i saw a custie and he tried to talk to me. but on the real, i was always afraid of being harmed. seriously harmed. and i don’t wanna get into a verbal confrontation with a man i think will not hesitate to harm me if i cuss him out for being disgusting. only a month ago i cussed some old ass nasty dude out for oggling my sisters ass and then telling me i’m beautiful like this was some kind of compliment when a. duh and b. you was just oggling on my baby 19 year old sisters ass and you 50 fucking something. so i cuss him out. he comes by three times, back and forth, back and forth, yelling at me each time. 

so in cases where i am cornered, where the man aint taking my verbal cues, where he is cute but just doesn’t get i’m not interested, i give fake names and numbers. a lot of girls do this for that reason. all these ashy dick niggas talking about oh don’t give me no fake number neither. if you have a history of getting fake numbers it’s because you are scary, intimidating and too much. and women are using their intuition. and that intuition is telling them that YOU ARE NOT SAFE TO SAY NO TO. i’m so tired of these stupid fuck niggas not understanding shit. their are brothers who respect your boundaries, who can smile and make eye contact, say how are you and see if a conversation proceeds from there. and there are plenty of women who make the first move, it’s 2012 so definitely a lot more than even 2000 i think! even when you reading a book or doing something where you are busy, you know this nigga dont respect that if he bugging you. so if he gets a number, it’s gonna be a fake a lot. it is what it is. these dudes can’t dial back their sense of entitlement to any and all pussy, to a time of day, to our time, their misogyny. their sense of superiority. so we make maneuvers and create survival mechanisms to survive from YOU.

I give out the number to rejection hotline because I used to get guys who would call me at any hour of the night as if I didn’t have anything better to do than talk to them.

Case in point: my ex. Even after telling them my call hours, they’d somehow think it was they who were the special snowflake that got to call me anytime and I’d be cool with it. Then they’d get mad when I get irritated with that shit.

Rejection Hotline is on speed dial just so I can hand it out to scrubs I’m not interested in.

That tactic doesn’t work anymore. Dudes will demand your number and then call that number to make sure that it isn’t fake, and if it is, they’ll harass you even more until you cave and give you that number.

I’ve been cornered like this on multiple occasions and these niggas want to talk about how we’re ‘uppity’ when our safety is legit in question here.

You don’t care about women. You don’t give a shit about what happens to us.

You just care about fucking us to get you off and then disposing of us like a paper towel.

Yeah, they immediately call or text it to see if it’s fake. I don’t understand why some people don’t realize that I don’t like giving out my cell number for a reason. I got harassed like crazy after I broke up with my ex. He’d fill my voicemail with all sorts of nasty messages, send me texts with horrible, threatening messages, and call my phone dozens of times throughout the day and night. Like, this went on for months.

And the last thing I need is some emotionally unstable guy getting my number. I’ve changed numbers more times in the past year than ever. In fact, I’ve had five different numbers just trying to avoid the crazed-messages I’ve gotten.

The fact that men don’t even stop to consider that women do have boundaries and that just because they talk to us doesn’t give them the right to cross said boundaries…is just a message loud and clear.

For instance, I don’t go anywhere alone with a guy I have no interest in fucking, because for all I know, he might try and force me into some shit. And I’ve had that happen to me. I went out with a guy who tried to force me to drink (I didn’t see him when he was making the drink so I decided against drinking at all that night), and then while I was on the phone with my friend he grabbed me and kissed me. Like, he forced his tongue in my mouth and then tried to shove his hands down my pants. I had made sure to give absolutely no signals that I wanted sex or even to be touched, but he literally tried to force me into it.

WHILE I WAS ON THE PHONE.

Like, this is date rape in action. Luckily, I was sober, and my friend bailed me out by pretending to have needed my help in an emergency. I took the bus to her place and changed my number the next day so the guy wouldn’t call me ever again.

(via the-real-goddamazon)

strugglingtobeheard

women give fake numbers and names for a reason.

queennubian:

thegoddamazon:

strugglingtobeheard:

when i was a teenager and in my early twenties, it was so hard to say no without being fearful of the reaction. i’ve been called bitch, ho, had men try to really follow me and convince me, plead, beg and get violent. so i learned quickly that in most cases, no wasn’t an ok response. even if i said i had a boyfriend or a partner, the response would generally be “so?” (because people who have no respect for that are totally cool potential partners or fuck buddies *Eyeroll*). so i lied. i still use a fake name when i’m out in the streets depending on how i feel. especially when i was dancing, if i saw a custie and he tried to talk to me. but on the real, i was always afraid of being harmed. seriously harmed. and i don’t wanna get into a verbal confrontation with a man i think will not hesitate to harm me if i cuss him out for being disgusting. only a month ago i cussed some old ass nasty dude out for oggling my sisters ass and then telling me i’m beautiful like this was some kind of compliment when a. duh and b. you was just oggling on my baby 19 year old sisters ass and you 50 fucking something. so i cuss him out. he comes by three times, back and forth, back and forth, yelling at me each time. 

so in cases where i am cornered, where the man aint taking my verbal cues, where he is cute but just doesn’t get i’m not interested, i give fake names and numbers. a lot of girls do this for that reason. all these ashy dick niggas talking about oh don’t give me no fake number neither. if you have a history of getting fake numbers it’s because you are scary, intimidating and too much. and women are using their intuition. and that intuition is telling them that YOU ARE NOT SAFE TO SAY NO TO. i’m so tired of these stupid fuck niggas not understanding shit. their are brothers who respect your boundaries, who can smile and make eye contact, say how are you and see if a conversation proceeds from there. and there are plenty of women who make the first move, it’s 2012 so definitely a lot more than even 2000 i think! even when you reading a book or doing something where you are busy, you know this nigga dont respect that if he bugging you. so if he gets a number, it’s gonna be a fake a lot. it is what it is. these dudes can’t dial back their sense of entitlement to any and all pussy, to a time of day, to our time, their misogyny. their sense of superiority. so we make maneuvers and create survival mechanisms to survive from YOU.

I give out the number to rejection hotline because I used to get guys who would call me at any hour of the night as if I didn’t have anything better to do than talk to them.

Case in point: my ex. Even after telling them my call hours, they’d somehow think it was they who were the special snowflake that got to call me anytime and I’d be cool with it. Then they’d get mad when I get irritated with that shit.

Rejection Hotline is on speed dial just so I can hand it out to scrubs I’m not interested in.

I told y’all about how I was followed for two damn blocks in broad day light on a street populated by plenty enough people to intervene right? I told you all that this nigga was drunk, at least 20 years my senior, and had no plans of leaving my side right? 

The thing is, these types of kats don’t stop. 

I’ve been fondled in broad day light by some random strange young buck that felt like I needed to know he found my ass fat. He also had his penis hanging out. Imagine that. You’re trying to go home and some strange youngin get’s off the bus at a bus stop that lets you off pretty much in seclusion. You have to walk up a steep hill surrounded by nothing but grass and eventually neighbors in a quite urban suburb. 

He doesn’t go away. In both instances they wanted my number. They didn’t care that I had a boyfriend or that I was not interested. 

Oh then there was that time I had a peeping tom. 

Oh and then there was that time I was followed home by a strange white man.

There was that time I was followed from a bus stop to a building I was performing at.  

Oh and then there was that time where a few young bucks rang the door bell and banged on the door every night after they figured two single women lived in the the building. 

They did this until one of us came down. They asked for some random person. My upstairs neighbor said that person does not live there. (we lived in a epic house converted into two separate apartments.) The young buck ask my neighbor if she wants any company. She says no. Young back asks, ” how about these 15 inches then.” O.o 

(via dynastylnoire)

strugglingtobeheard

women give fake numbers and names for a reason.

sourcedumal:

thegoddamazon:

strugglingtobeheard:

when i was a teenager and in my early twenties, it was so hard to say no without being fearful of the reaction. i’ve been called bitch, ho, had men try to really follow me and convince me, plead, beg and get violent. so i learned quickly that in most cases, no wasn’t an ok response. even if i said i had a boyfriend or a partner, the response would generally be “so?” (because people who have no respect for that are totally cool potential partners or fuck buddies *Eyeroll*). so i lied. i still use a fake name when i’m out in the streets depending on how i feel. especially when i was dancing, if i saw a custie and he tried to talk to me. but on the real, i was always afraid of being harmed. seriously harmed. and i don’t wanna get into a verbal confrontation with a man i think will not hesitate to harm me if i cuss him out for being disgusting. only a month ago i cussed some old ass nasty dude out for oggling my sisters ass and then telling me i’m beautiful like this was some kind of compliment when a. duh and b. you was just oggling on my baby 19 year old sisters ass and you 50 fucking something. so i cuss him out. he comes by three times, back and forth, back and forth, yelling at me each time. 

so in cases where i am cornered, where the man aint taking my verbal cues, where he is cute but just doesn’t get i’m not interested, i give fake names and numbers. a lot of girls do this for that reason. all these ashy dick niggas talking about oh don’t give me no fake number neither. if you have a history of getting fake numbers it’s because you are scary, intimidating and too much. and women are using their intuition. and that intuition is telling them that YOU ARE NOT SAFE TO SAY NO TO. i’m so tired of these stupid fuck niggas not understanding shit. their are brothers who respect your boundaries, who can smile and make eye contact, say how are you and see if a conversation proceeds from there. and there are plenty of women who make the first move, it’s 2012 so definitely a lot more than even 2000 i think! even when you reading a book or doing something where you are busy, you know this nigga dont respect that if he bugging you. so if he gets a number, it’s gonna be a fake a lot. it is what it is. these dudes can’t dial back their sense of entitlement to any and all pussy, to a time of day, to our time, their misogyny. their sense of superiority. so we make maneuvers and create survival mechanisms to survive from YOU.

I give out the number to rejection hotline because I used to get guys who would call me at any hour of the night as if I didn’t have anything better to do than talk to them.

Case in point: my ex. Even after telling them my call hours, they’d somehow think it was they who were the special snowflake that got to call me anytime and I’d be cool with it. Then they’d get mad when I get irritated with that shit.

Rejection Hotline is on speed dial just so I can hand it out to scrubs I’m not interested in.

That tactic doesn’t work anymore. Dudes will demand your number and then call that number to make sure that it isn’t fake, and if it is, they’ll harass you even more until you cave and give you that number.

I’ve been cornered like this on multiple occasions and these niggas want to talk about how we’re ‘uppity’ when our safety is legit in question here.

You don’t care about women. You don’t give a shit about what happens to us.

You just care about fucking us to get you off and then disposing of us like a paper towel.

strugglingtobeheard

women give fake numbers and names for a reason.

deliciouskaek:

strugglingtobeheard:

when i was a teenager and in my early twenties, it was so hard to say no without being fearful of the reaction. i’ve been called bitch, ho, had men try to really follow me and convince me, plead, beg and get violent. so i learned quickly that in most cases, no wasn’t an ok response. even if i said i had a boyfriend or a partner, the response would generally be “so?” (because people who have no respect for that are totally cool potential partners or fuck buddies *Eyeroll*). so i lied. i still use a fake name when i’m out in the streets depending on how i feel. especially when i was dancing, if i saw a custie and he tried to talk to me. but on the real, i was always afraid of being harmed. seriously harmed. and i don’t wanna get into a verbal confrontation with a man i think will not hesitate to harm me if i cuss him out for being disgusting. only a month ago i cussed some old ass nasty dude out for oggling my sisters ass and then telling me i’m beautiful like this was some kind of compliment when a. duh and b. you was just oggling on my baby 19 year old sisters ass and you 50 fucking something. so i cuss him out. he comes by three times, back and forth, back and forth, yelling at me each time. 

so in cases where i am cornered, where the man aint taking my verbal cues, where he is cute but just doesn’t get i’m not interested, i give fake names and numbers. a lot of girls do this for that reason. all these ashy dick niggas talking about oh don’t give me no fake number neither. if you have a history of getting fake numbers it’s because you are scary, intimidating and too much. and women are using their intuition. and that intuition is telling them that YOU ARE NOT SAFE TO SAY NO TO. i’m so tired of these stupid fuck niggas not understanding shit. their are brothers who respect your boundaries, who can smile and make eye contact, say how are you and see if a conversation proceeds from there. and there are plenty of women who make the first move, it’s 2012 so definitely a lot more than even 2000 i think! even when you reading a book or doing something where you are busy, you know this nigga dont respect that if he bugging you. so if he gets a number, it’s gonna be a fake a lot. it is what it is. these dudes can’t dial back their sense of entitlement to any and all pussy, to a time of day, to our time, their misogyny. their sense of superiority. so we make maneuvers and create survival mechanisms to survive from YOU.

^ basically all of this

this is why there are actually hotlines of fake numbers set up for people to give the digits to. it’s not ONLY because it’s cute and funny to do that, it’s because sometimes you can’t get the fuck away from these people, y’all don’t make it safe to say no. 

and there’s no point in being mad at me for protecting myself, be mad at these assholes who can’t take no for an answer without assaulting, harassing, demeaning and demanding that i/we give them attention.

talk to them.

because i damn sure am not going to, and fuck if i can tell if you’re the next one to pull that shit at a glance. shit ain’t safe to guess anymore. 

dudes down the street, known my daughter for years, under the guise of giving her a friendly hug, pulled up her damn skirt in the middle of the fucking street, talmbout “she like that shit”

and she didn’t have a choice but to laugh it off because if they’re gonna do that, what might they do next?

does she have to be nice, too? was she wrong for not giving them her time and attention?

fuck y’all

all of y’all

talk to them niggas and all the ones like them

then come talk to me

I’ve been out with my sons, and had dudes decide that my lack of interest in their bullshit was a reason to harass me. Mind you, I’m with my children and these assbags are calling me everything but a child of God while blocking my path and scaring my kid. Fuck you very much if you think I need the attention of those pieces of shit more than I need space to walk down the street.

(via hamburgerjack)

"Why WON’T you educate us and hold our hand? We ARE the ones in power, you know, but we are good people."

cruelyouth:

I’ve seen this shit before and have been meaning to write about it.

Imagine an abusive relationship (can work with romantic relationships and/or with family) and this is said by the abuser:

“Why do you want to leave me?  I allowed you to live in my house, and I make all the money.  You’re dependent on me.  YOU need ME.  Nobody will ever love you like I do, and I have everything you need right here.  All you need to do is behave and say with me.  Why do you want to leave me?”

It’s the EXACT SAME shit abusers tell their victims so that the victims stay, and the abusers retain power and control.

EXACTLY.

And you’re not good people.

They might be subtle, but these are threats.  And you’re trying to make false promises of “equality” if ONLY PoC submit to you and behave the way you want us to. 

And you should be able to step on our foots all you want to, but we better not complain about it if we REALLY want equality, which YOU try to set the standards for.

But, you know, you are “trying to help” us.  Because you’re a “good person.”

White people who think this way and tell PoC who tell them to go away, “But don’t you want equality?  We are the ones in power and COULD give it to you if you would just act how we want you to act and say what we want to hear!”

It’s intimidating bullshit.  You are THREATENING PoC into submission, waving around your privilege and power and threatening to use it against us if we don’t submit.  You are crossing our physical, emotional, intellectual, and time boundaries all at the same time and saying “we must not want equality” if we try to enforce them while you invade them.

Nobody has to teach you shit, and nobody is obligated to hold your hand, change their tone, or take the time to accommodate their personal spaces for you. 

And who the hell would want to be “equal” to an abuser like you?

It’s impossible.  You actually don’t want equality.  All you want is control over others and will do and say anything to get people to submit to you.

PoC and marginalized people who get this from privilege people, RUN, don’t just walk, RUN away from them and blast them for the abusers that they are.  Please do NOT fall for this shit.

In the end, you cannot reason with abusers.  Just walk away, and don’t even bother wasting your time.

(via cruelyouth-deactivated20120511)

coffeeandfaith
moniquill:

lavender-labia:

“Good morning New York. I’m sorry to bother you. I’m not hungry. I do not want food or money, I just need a little support. I got dumped last week and I’m trying to give her space but I can’t do nothing. If you have any words of advice for me, a quote that resonates with you or a story about second chances, please raise your hand and I’ll come to you. I have sharpie markers and I’ll stay as long as it takes.”
cuddlingisoptional:

I normally do not reblog this kind of shit, but for any dude that has ever been dumped, still in love and desperately tried to win her heart back, no matter the circumstance…this is legit shit. And do not give me that bullshit “dude, if she dumped you she obviously doesnt want to be with you, just get over it, you pathetic asshole”…First of all, fuck you. Second of all, fuck you.

Your comments are the epitome of rape culture and everything that is wrong with concept of friend-zoning. Fuck you. Like actually fuck you, you entitled piece of shit. Women owe you NOTHING. Women do know what they want, and if they dump you it IS because they don’t want to be with you. Stop perpetuating the sexist assumption that women don’t know their own mind. No means no, and any other interpretation is rape culture at work. You and your commentary can actually fuck off. 
As for the OP: I’m speechless. “I’m trying to give her space, but I’m walking around with her face on a sandwich board and I’m convincing everyone that she’s the horrible person here and I’m so unfairly victimised.” Cool story, bro. Tell me more about how you’re irresistible and why everyone should want to be with you.

This is the reddest of flags.
Dear girl on billboard: Change the locks, change your number, and stay safe.

moniquill:

lavender-labia:

“Good morning New York. I’m sorry to bother you. I’m not hungry. I do not want food or money, I just need a little support. I got dumped last week and I’m trying to give her space but I can’t do nothing. If you have any words of advice for me, a quote that resonates with you or a story about second chances, please raise your hand and I’ll come to you. I have sharpie markers and I’ll stay as long as it takes.”

cuddlingisoptional:

I normally do not reblog this kind of shit, but for any dude that has ever been dumped, still in love and desperately tried to win her heart back, no matter the circumstance…this is legit shit. And do not give me that bullshit “dude, if she dumped you she obviously doesnt want to be with you, just get over it, you pathetic asshole”…First of all, fuck you. Second of all, fuck you.

Your comments are the epitome of rape culture and everything that is wrong with concept of friend-zoning. Fuck you. Like actually fuck you, you entitled piece of shit. Women owe you NOTHING. Women do know what they want, and if they dump you it IS because they don’t want to be with you. Stop perpetuating the sexist assumption that women don’t know their own mind. No means no, and any other interpretation is rape culture at work. You and your commentary can actually fuck off. 

As for the OP: I’m speechless. “I’m trying to give her space, but I’m walking around with her face on a sandwich board and I’m convincing everyone that she’s the horrible person here and I’m so unfairly victimised.” Cool story, bro. Tell me more about how you’re irresistible and why everyone should want to be with you.

This is the reddest of flags.

Dear girl on billboard: Change the locks, change your number, and stay safe.

Dear fellow PoC, it’s a-okay for us to have boundaries.

cruelyouth:

I’m telling myself all this too because I can get caught in the same trap.  And forgive me for rambling — I’ve been having a very long work week, then I have another one next week.  But I just wanted to say something about this.

You know, the trap where you’re trying to explain to a white person what racism is, confront them on something racist they did that hurt you, or just trying to explain your point.  It happens on Tumblr…well, this is pretty much the Tumblr experience for me and most PoC I follow.

We can get caught in this trap because we’re taught that we should have absolutely no boundaries or limits when it comes to white people.

When white people jump into a conversation, whitesplaining away or just being  general invasive assholes, sometimes, you feel like you have to explain things to them and try to prove things for them.  Even when they very obviously invade our boundaries.  It might not even be so obvious at first, but when you look back on it, white people leap over our boundaries a lot, try to bend them, or just pretend they’re not there, even though EVERY HUMAN BEING has basic boundaries.

They cross our emotional boundaries by discounting, ignoring, or criticizing our feelings (“How could you feel that way?” “You shouldn’t be angry!” “I can’t read your posts when you sound angry.”)

Our intellectual boundaries by trying to “get into our heads” and discount or steal what we think (“How can you think that way?” “You’re wrong!  WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!” “*insert ableist slur here*” “You just hate white people, do you?”)

Our social boundaries by telling us with whom we should associate (“Why not give white people a chance?  Why not trust us?”  “Why don’t you like *white person who did something racist*?  They’re actually really good people!” “But that person is ALWAYS so mean!  Why do you associate with them?!”)

Our time boundaries by making us waste our time trying to explain things to them when we could be doing productive things, having fun with each other, or just mindlessly reblogging food, and clothes I want to wear, and fictional people I want to marry

And there might be others I can’t think of.  There are actually a hell of a lot of kinds boundaries we have a right to establish.

But despite how many of our boundaries white people cross, we can STILL try to explain away our experiences to try to make them understand.

But here’s the thing:  If they REALLY wanted to understand, then they wouldn’t have tried to cross boundaries to begin with.  They would have at least made an attempt to follow them — knowing that we are individual, complex human beings  with our own thoughts and emotions.  They would know that there are lines they shouldn’t cross, and if they cross them, then they shouldn’t be so shocked when we respond in anger.  If they cross them on accident, then they would learn not to do that shit.

The harsh truth is, most white people don’t want to learn from us.  They really don’t.  All they want to do is shut us up and will try to cross our boundaries without us knowing to do so.  The ones who do want to learn don’t do this shit, especially repeatedly.  They wouldn’t covertly abuse us.  They wouldn’t try to gaslight.  They wouldn’t try to turn the tables or manipulate the discussion.

But don’t think I’m saying white people are all inherently evil and they can never learn.  They CAN learn.  They can open their eyes, use their own critical thinking skills, and learn.  There are plenty of resources for them to use, and they are not helpless against their own racism.  They can unlearn if they really wanted to.  With those, they usually do pretty good following our boundaries, realizing we have some.  I normally don’t mind a white person asking me a question if they are  respecting my boundaries doing so.

Honestly, I don’t get why people assume I think white people are hopeless and they’ll never learn — do you know how much hope a person needs to have to believe that people can unlearn shit on their own and transform themselves into genuinely better people without anybody holding their hand in the process?  But anyway…

We PoC have every single right to establish our own boundaries and tell whoever crosses them to go fuck themselves.  This is hard to do because we were taught we should have no boundaries.  You might even feel guilty establishing them and enforcing them, but it gets easier the more you do it.

My personal resistance started when I started to establish my own boundaries.  I’m not all the way there yet, but I’m getting there.  If white people discounted my feelings, I try not to defend my feelings or my right to express them, and I just continue TALKING IN ALL CAPS without letting them interrupt me.  If they discounted my mind or tried to steal what I thought, then I would know they really don’t care what I thought, and wasting my mind on them is useless.  So, I try to end the conversation there.  If they criticize me for being choosy about with whom I associate, I remind them that it’s MY life and MY friends, not theirs, and they should go and get their own.  And I try not to waste my time arguing with racists so much.  If they don’t get it, I walk away and move on.

It’s FUCKING HARD to do, even though we have every single right to our boundaries, especially living in a racist society.

(via cruelyouth-deactivated20120511)

Anger is a Good Thing

notforyoutobreak:

Though people might have good reasons to fear anger, not ALL anger is bad.  But still, there are people who automatically think angry people = bad.

But you know what type of people REALLY scare me?

Those who don’t express anger at all, say no one should be angry, and claim to be completely above anger.  They usually call it “a useless emotion.”

I highly suggest that you run away from these people.  IDGAF how nice they appear.  Get away from them.  No joke.

Usually, passive-aggressives, covert abusers, and ambient abusers say this crap.  They might never appear angry, but their anger usually shows up in the absolute worst, underhanded ways.

In terms of privilege, -isms, and bigotry, when privilege people whine about marginalized people being SO ANGRY, arrogantly say they shouldn’t be angry, and try to be the calm, peaceful “voice of reason,” that’s usually a clue that they’re actually hiding a knife behind their back.  They can either be hiding their bigotry or absolutely refusing to acknowledge they have any (and then debunking their false beliefs and assumptions).  But if you stick around them, they’ll show it in covert, subtle, or stealth ways. 

BTW, let’s not confuse “bigotry” with “anger” here.  Unfounded hatred and superiority is not the same as being angry, and they are NOT good things to have.

With marginalized people, anger can really help us defend ourselves against such bigots — the overt and the subtle.  With the subtle, our anger can tell is that something just isn’t right.  LISTEN TO YOUR GUT.  More often than not, it’s right.

Marginalized people are usually shunned and shamed for (rightly) being angry over being oppressed.  Because if they are angry, and if they are the masters of their own anger, then it can be used as a major weapon against privileged people who are just out to control and destroy.  So, of course they’ll try to shun it and control your emotions.

Being the master of your own anger isn’t always easy, though.  I’ve personally struggled with it and used to be a person who tried to completely deny my anger (and that just turned me into an awful person for a time).  It was very hard, and still is, for me to fully connect with my feelings and anger and then learn what to do with them.  But my anger has been a useful tool for me that has saved my life multiple times.  It helped me get out of abusive situations, realize when a privileged person has been fucking me over, realize when I’m being discriminated against, and it’s helped me stay alive.

But it hasn’t always been pretty, and my anger has just exposed me to more terrible treatment in the past because I didn’t know what to do with it.  I’ve also turned my own anger against myself and hated myself, not fully understanding why it’s there and what I should do with it. 

But, it was telling me important information:

“WTF are you doing hanging out with these racist assholes?  They’re not your friends, and they’re just using you.  Dump them.”

“See this person you’re wasting your time and energy on?  All they are doing is derailing you, patronizing you, and insulting your intelligence.  Stop engaging.”

“They don’t love you.  Why waste your time?”

“Yeah, that person getting away with slinging passive-aggressive insults at you needs to be told to fuck off.”

“Okay…you know better.  This person is just trying to gaslight you.  Don’t play into their game.”

“THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG HERE.  WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO YOURSELF?  YOU NEED TO CHANGE SOMETHING.”

If I completely ignored my anger and not learn what it was telling me, I would have been psychologically, emotionally, and physically dead by now.  It’s a useful tool to be used to get you out of shit.  I personally can’t even say I like feeling anger.  Because I’m like, “…oh, fuck.  I’m in another shitty situation, and I need to do something about it.  This person is fucking me over, and I need to protect myself from them, right?  Okay, but FML.”  Still, my anger has been my most loyal friend.  I’ve treated it badly in the past (some friend I am), but I’ve been working on re-connecting with it.

Expressions of anger vary from person to person (though white people assume that if a PoC is ever angry at them, we’ll burn down their house or something because we’re just a bunch of emotionally-underdeveloped children).  Some are more vocal than others.  But expressing anger is HEALTHY.  Suppressing it and letting people get away with bullshit isn’t.  It might not look pretty or sound nice, but it’s really necessary.  It might not be a pleasant feeling, but we ALL have it.  No one is really above it.  Still, it’s not the enemy.

(via cruelyouth-deactivated20120511)