deliciouskaek

just waiting for these fools to start the rest of the bullshit

deliciouskaek:

how everything gotta be a crusade

how they wasn’t talking about harassment just a conversation

and other assorted fuckery

when a conversation forced upon you can feel like harassment

can be considered harassment

when being pressured to “smile” can feel like harassment even when “you’re too pretty to be so mean” is meant to be a compliment

can’t even think for a minute that how you feel when i walk by might not be the most pressing thing on my agenda

and my outward appearance — for better or worse — might be hiding something you can’t fathom

still waters run deep, and i’ve been still a long motherfucking time

and if that hasn’t even crossed your mind

then no i don’t want your number

no i don’t wanna give you mine

and no i don’t wanna meet you nowhere

no i don’t want none of your time

because any man/woman/etc. who can’t respect that maybe i don’t want those things from you?

is the scrub they were singing about

and if you mad

then it’s probably you

moniquill

Guh.

jadelyn:

moniquill:

the-ones-that-come-true:

macabrekawaii:

choochoobear:

So, apparently walking up to random women on the street and telling them to smile or how pretty they’d be if they smiled is a thing… so obviously I need to let my beard grow out again, let the allergy-induced circles under my eyes deepen, and walk up to men on the street and assure them how pretty they’d be if they’d just smile for me.

C’mon, buddy.  Just a little smile… yeah, that’s it.  Smile for daddy, boy.

#TurnAbout #FairPlay

This is why I love you.

…I don’t know, kinda mixed feelings here.  Studies found that simply choosing to smile will improve your mood.  The relationship of the mind to the body is a weird thing, and we honestly don’t really know if it’s quite that we smile because we’re happy, or are happy because we’re smiling.

That said, it’s probably less creepy to use that as the reason: “Please, sir/miss, smile?  It’ll help.”  Spreading random encouragement in a non-creepy way!

Except that there is nothing encouraging or not creepy about that.

Here’s a litmus test:

If you’re in a public place and you see someone who isn’t smiling, are you willing and able to say sincerely,

“Are you alright?”

And then be prepared to ACTUALLY LISTEN TO AND CARE ABOUT WHATEVER ANSWER THEY WANT TO GIVE? Whether that answer is “I’m fine.” to “Fuck off.” to “Here’s my entire life story and oh god I just don’t know what to do!”. Are you prepared to offer support, or advice if it’s asked for, or HELP if it’s asked for?

Because if you’re not, keep your mouth shut.

You didn’t actually care about their wellbeing.

You just wanted them to perform happiness for the sake of yours.

Also, the-ones-that-come-true?  Let’s look at the context of how this sort of thing actually happens.  Not the  ”turnabout is fair play” version.  Not how studies say smiling blah blah, “please smile, it’ll help”.  How this actually happens in the real world.

Which is, namely, that this is a thing men almost exclusively do to women.  

Like, I’m 27, and in my, say, 15 years of being “of fuckable age or perceived to be that way”, I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve had this scenario played out on me.  Always by men.  Every time.  And I have never in those 15 years seen a single instance where a woman was the “smile!”-er or a man was the “smile!”-ee. It’s not just me, either.  Look anywhere people are talking about this kind of interaction, and you’ll see the same starkly gendered split.

When you have that kind of striking gender division on an act like that, it’s worth taking a look at.  Why is this a thing only men do, and why do they only do it to women?

If it were genuine concern for people’s well-being, wanting people to smile to make them happy as you’ve postulated, wouldn’t you expect women to actually do it MORE, considering cultural narratives about women being all nurturing and caretaking and crap?  And wouldn’t men also do this to other men, such that Randy’s proposed scenario in the OP wouldn’t be unusual enough to be funny?

So this strongly implies that there is another motive at play here.

Now, place this in the context of a wider culture which represents women as decorative objects there for the visual enjoyment of men, in a thousand ways subtle and unsubtle all day every day, and maybe you can see what that motive might be.  

Place this further in the context of a wider culture in which street harassment is an all-too-common thing, again, pretty much exclusively practiced by men against women, and this potential ulterior motive starts to become even clearer.

Then, consider the reactions women get from men when the smile is requested, and they refuse to comply, whether because they’re tired, or legitimately sad, or irritated by the “request” (which on a bad day may well be the second or third time performative happiness has been demanded of her, and it gets old fast, trust me).  That “smile, sweetheart!” with an amiable demeanor makes a swift 180 into glares and muttering and epithets.  I have personally been called a bitch and a cunt, in the goddamn grocery store, because I was very focused on my grocery list and trying to keep a running tally of the total value of my cart in my head because my partner had just lost his job and his unemployment checks hadn’t started up yet so we were trying to scrape by until they did, and so when a man startled me out of my concentration with a “smile, honey!” I blinked at him and said “what…?” then shook my head and went on down the aisle.  I didn’t swear at him.  I didn’t tell him off, didn’t flip him the bird.  Just was confused, and then my brain reverted to its previous state of internal focus without first modulating my features into the configuration he wanted from me.  And for that, I was a bitch, and there was no need to be like that, fucking cunt.  It doesn’t happen to me like that often, mostly because I have a fairly limited reserve of emotional energy (depression does that to you) and so most times it’s both easier and just plain automatic to flash a quick fake smile to shut the guy up and send him on his way, than to refuse to comply and deal with the consequences.

Of course, let’s also remember that compliance has consequences, too.  I’ve also had a couple times where the requisite smile was then taken as an invitation for the guy to try to talk to me further and follow me down the street and ask me to get coffee with him.  As if my smiling on command was somehow genuine flirting on my part and signaled interest, rather than capitulation.

So put this all together.  

  • Strongly gendered pattern of ask-er and ask-ee
  • Women are already ubiquitously represented in mass media as being mainly decorative in nature, a decorative nature that is owed to the men around them.
  • Women also are routinely victims of street harassment by strange men, which takes many forms.
  • When a woman does not produce the desired emotional state on demand, the man asking often gets angry - not disappointed or sad, angry - and sometimes verbally violent.
  • When a woman does give the man what he demanded, the man then apparently has the option of pretending the smile was genuine and directed at him, and taking it as an invitation to further interaction.

Does that look like a friendly gesture of one human being trying to help another human being into a better emotional state for the sake of that other human’s well-being?

I didn’t think so, either.  Look at it like that, and it looks like a form of harassment with a thin veil of plausible deniability stretched over it.  ”I was just trying to be nice,” pouted the man who had given an order to a total stranger and not had it obeyed.  Yeah that’s…not really a friendly thing to do, and there is no universe in which that is a not-creepy and appropriate thing to do.  

If you really want to make people happy?  Try genuine compliments.  Not creepy ones, and absolutely without the expectation of any specific response on the other person’s part.  You are simply offering a pleasantry, and if they choose to take it, cool, and if they choose to leave it, that’s fine too.  See how many people smile from that, as opposed to a command to smile.  I can tell you I’ve been on the receiving end of both types of interaction, and “smile, sweetie!” raises my hackles and puts me on the defensive, whereas the couple times I’ve been no-strings-attached complimented by men made me actually smile, and boosted my mood for a little while afterwards besides.  

Not to mention, you have no idea what’s going on in that person’s life.  Maybe someone close to them has just died.  Maybe they lost their job.  Maybe their marriage is falling apart.  Maybe illness has wiped out their savings and they’re being evicted from their home.  How, exactly, is smiling going to help with any of that?  When you’re feeling absolutely shitty, someone asking you to pretend happiness is just one more burden, one more moment in which you have to swallow your feelings and put on a mask, and this time not even for your coworkers or your family or your friends, but for the sake of a total fucking stranger, just because they think you should be smiling right now.  

I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming you’ve never thought through this, the-ones-that-come-true.  But now that you have, please stop justifying men’s public harassment of women.  Okay?

deliciouskaek

Possible TW: Stalking?

deliciouskaek:

aboutmaleprivilege:

http://canadaswonderlandsearch.tumblr.com/

This entire blog, along with the reactions to it, are male privilege.

This man is practically stalking a girl that he saw once. He’s calling out a world-wide search for one person who probably doesn’t even know he exists, just because he noticed her?

And the fact that all of these people are calling it “sweet” or wishing the searcher good luck? Is quite frankly disgusting. How would you feel if some stranger who saw you once (who may have no idea on your actual personality or relationship status/desire for a relationship) is looking around desperately for you because they thought you looked pretty?

It’s just plain creepy, in my opinion.

that is really fucking creepy.

oh hell no.

look, anyone posting about how cute, or romantic this shit is, get your head out of your ass. stalking a complete stranger isn’t cute

it’s not fucking cute.

GURL. i don’t know who you are either, but if you are the one he’s talking about, and you can see this, RUN.

I’m saying, he’s never even spoken to this girl, but he wants a world wide search to happen? Yeah…no.

jessinister:

erikamoen:

impressioniste:

offbrand:

unwinona:

And then I debated whether or not to put it on Tumblr…but I decided it was important. Because in my own way, I can (unfortunately) point out exactly what is wrong with men when they don’t realize how hard it is to be a woman. How we do not have equal opportunities and freedoms in everyday life….

shit, now i feel bad for being a guy

isn’t that the whole point of this story? to remind guys of how awful they are?

because there were some assholes on a train

the concept that anytime somebody hits on you it’s because they’re a horrible person is a dumbass concept

at no point did she ever answer the question proposed, “what are you reading?”…if she had said calmly (as opposed to loudly and firmly) “i’m reading *blah blah title* would you please leave me to it” or something of the sort, it could’ve possibly gone better, instead of bluntly and loudly saying “LEAVE ME ALONE” as if they were groping her….and even if that didn’t work, and they still acted like pricks…why should i feel bad for what THEY did? should i apologize and accept that my life is rainbows and excellence because i have a dick?

so yeah, those teenagers were assholes, and the bicycle guy was a psychopath…sounds like your train runs through a shitty neighborhood…doesn’t mean i should loathe myself

———

No, see…

This is the one time you don’t get to make it all about you.

This is where you say, “Wow, I can’t possibly understand what you’re going through, but I’m sorry you had to experience that, and now I have a better perspective on what women face and will never do that to a woman.

Way to miss the point.

The point is that we have no fucking idea if the person we say, “No thank you,” or, “I’d like to be left alone, please,” to is going to be a guy that says, “Oh, sure. Sorry for bothering you!” and steps away kindly or the kind that gets in our faces and threatens us screams at us. And most of the time, it’s not worth it to take that risk.

We have to treat everyone like the latter because if we don’t, and we’re caught off guard, then whatever happens to us is always our fault. If we’re not nice, we’re bitches. If we’re too nice, we’re asking for whatever we get.

Women don’t owe you anything, least of all an apology. We don’t owe you the time of day, we don’t owe you a conversation, we don’t owe you an explanation.

If you read a story like that and all you can say is, “Well excuuuuuuuuuuse me for being male!” then you’re part of the fucking problem.

Exactly.

See, I am a female and I have a problem with this.

It is feminists like you that generalise all males into one group. Not all males are the same. That person could have generally been interested in the book being read. Females as a whole do NOT have to be defensive 24/7. NOT every guy out there is an ass hole. NOT every single guy is going to stand there and abuse you or harass you or grope you. How about being nice for a change instead of making out that horrible things will happen if you are nice to a male or if you let a male ‘put one over you’.

Ease up and stop being so damn ‘hard done by’.

No one has a right to anyone’s time, space, or attention. The sooner people stop blaming victims for being human & not being a walking nursemaid for stranger’s egos the better. What is wrong with you people that you think women don’t have a right to set boundaries even if other people don’t like them?

drowndeepinblah

to karnythia

eclecticspectrum:

karnythia:

eclecticspectrum:

vagabondaesthetics:

eclecticspectrum:

karnythia reblogged your post: Baratunde just annoyed me…

So we’re not going to talk about the history of Pan Africanism & the ties between the Civil Rights Movement, Black Pride…

 And?

No one is denying any of this. But that does not mean that everything is peaches and cream because of it. It’s as if the present and the lived experiences of another generation aren’t being taken into account.

Black Pride, The Civil Rights movement, etc hasn’t kept my own family members from making disparaging comments about the entire diaspora and their history. It didn’t keep my peers from shunning my Ghanaian name, hairstyles, and language.

Clearly there is more that needs to be discusses but feel free to keep mentioning this as if it negates everything that has happened afterwards.

Why won’t you stop discussing your identity? :( You’re hurting my feelings.

Very cute my dear :D

Do people think that listing all these things is supposed to keep me from talking about my own life and experiences?

What I don’t understand is how someone who has called me disgusting amongst other things continues to essentially haress me. If I’m so terrible STOP ENGAGING WITH ME.

She has her own blog to run and it’s a well known one at that, yet lo and behold she seems to pop up and derail. It’s pathetic.

I swear I’m gonna have to start reporting people because this is absolutely ridiculous.

Who said anything about you not talking about your life & experiences? Since you called my name you might want to actually read my words. As for claims of harassment? I’m not flooding your inbox with a damned thing & like a lot of people I have come out in the past in defense of black women like you even if I disagree with them. Go ahead & report me for responding to things that get reblogged onto my dash, be sure to mention posts where you call my name & address them to me. Let me know how that works out for you. I’m not popping up to do anything but point out facts. You know those things you like to ignore when you go off on these tirades against the same people who you claim to admire as long as we stay silent & don’t expect respect from people who want it from us.

Oh look it’s the facts police. You bring up these facts as if I’m not aware of them. You bring up these facts as if they soothe tensions, as if they are supposed to keep me from voicing my concerns on my own blog. 

You interject these facts not to make things nuanced but create excuses for negative manifestations of folks trying to reconnect with Africa.

No one is forcing you to reblog anything that comes onto your dash. You do that on your own. You make a choice to derail. 

I’ve said everything that I need to say. If you want to keep reblogging and spreading more falsehoods carry on.

No, I bring up these facts when you come at a man about his name like he doesn’t have a right to his feelings about the way people treat him. I bring up these facts when you ignore them to justify your attitudes instead of thinking about them & what the choices of earlier generations mean to this generation. I am not making excuses for a damned thing, but I’m also not going to accept this “We said go away, so go away” routine when it ignores a history of entreaties to return as well as current ongoing government supported efforts by various countries in Africa to get Black Americans to reconnect & bring their money & skills back to those places. It’s not derailing to point out reality. But you keep telling yourself we’re not speaking the truth because you don’t like hearing that things are much more complicated than your disdain for us.

blackridinnhood-deactivated2012

to karnythia

blackridinnhood:

karnythia:

eclecticspectrum:

vagabondaesthetics:

eclecticspectrum:

karnythia reblogged your post: Baratunde just annoyed me…

So we’re not going to talk about the history of Pan Africanism & the ties between the Civil Rights Movement, Black Pride…

 And?

No one is denying any of this. But that does not mean that everything is peaches and cream because of it. It’s as if the present and the lived experiences of another generation aren’t being taken into account.

Black Pride, The Civil Rights movement, etc hasn’t kept my own family members from making disparaging comments about the entire diaspora and their history. It didn’t keep my peers from shunning my Ghanaian name, hairstyles, and language.

Clearly there is more that needs to be discusses but feel free to keep mentioning this as if it negates everything that has happened afterwards.

Why won’t you stop discussing your identity? :( You’re hurting my feelings.

Very cute my dear :D

Do people think that listing all these things is supposed to keep me from talking about my own life and experiences?

What I don’t understand is how someone who has called me disgusting amongst other things continues to essentially haress me. If I’m so terrible STOP ENGAGING WITH ME.

She has her own blog to run and it’s a well known one at that, yet lo and behold she seems to pop up and derail. It’s pathetic.

I swear I’m gonna have to start reporting people because this is absolutely ridiculous.

Who said anything about you not talking about your life & experiences? Since you called my name you might want to actually read my words. As for claims of harassment? I’m not flooding your inbox with a damned thing & like a lot of people I have come out in the past in defense of black women like you even if I disagree with them. Go ahead & report me for responding to things that get reblogged onto my dash, be sure to mention posts where you call my name & address them to me. Let me know how that works out for you. I’m not popping up to do anything but point out facts. You know those things you like to ignore when you go off on these tirades against the same people who you claim to admire as long as we stay silent & don’t expect respect from people who want it from us.

I just wanted to reblog this because I got the same “harassment” bull too. Because apparently disagreeing with you and responding when you get reblogged by her is harassment. -_-

I’m saying, you address posts to me & tag them with my name. But I’m harassing you? Nah b. Feel free to take your own advice about blocking or whatever, but don’t try to gaslight me. This broad claims to want dialog, but what I see is a desire for punching bags.

drowndeepinblah

to karnythia

eclecticspectrum:

vagabondaesthetics:

eclecticspectrum:

karnythia reblogged your post: Baratunde just annoyed me…

So we’re not going to talk about the history of Pan Africanism & the ties between the Civil Rights Movement, Black Pride…

 And?

No one is denying any of this. But that does not mean that everything is peaches and cream because of it. It’s as if the present and the lived experiences of another generation aren’t being taken into account.

Black Pride, The Civil Rights movement, etc hasn’t kept my own family members from making disparaging comments about the entire diaspora and their history. It didn’t keep my peers from shunning my Ghanaian name, hairstyles, and language.

Clearly there is more that needs to be discusses but feel free to keep mentioning this as if it negates everything that has happened afterwards.

Why won’t you stop discussing your identity? :( You’re hurting my feelings.

Very cute my dear :D

Do people think that listing all these things is supposed to keep me from talking about my own life and experiences?

What I don’t understand is how someone who has called me disgusting amongst other things continues to essentially haress me. If I’m so terrible STOP ENGAGING WITH ME.

She has her own blog to run and it’s a well known one at that, yet lo and behold she seems to pop up and derail. It’s pathetic.

I swear I’m gonna have to start reporting people because this is absolutely ridiculous.

Who said anything about you not talking about your life & experiences? Since you called my name you might want to actually read my words. As for claims of harassment? I’m not flooding your inbox with a damned thing & like a lot of people I have come out in the past in defense of black women like you even if I disagree with them. Go ahead & report me for responding to things that get reblogged onto my dash, be sure to mention posts where you call my name & address them to me. Let me know how that works out for you. I’m not popping up to do anything but point out facts. You know those things you like to ignore when you go off on these tirades against the same people who you claim to admire as long as we stay silent & don’t expect respect from people who want it from us.

drowndeepinblah

to so-treu

eclecticspectrum:

karnythia:

so-treu:

bouvier:

so-treu:

bouvier:

eclecticspectrum:

so-treu reblogged your post: Baratunde just annoyed me…

are we still honestly trying to dialogue with this bitch? she hates black americans and will find any reason to shit on…

 You’re still at it huh?

Call me a bitch. Say whatever you wish. It’s getting pathetic and redundant at this point.

Stop being concerned with who is and is not engaging with me. No one is forcing you to be a part of the discussion. If you’re so bothered by me just block me. It’s simple.

I’ve agreed with electricspectrum and arulpragasams a lot, and yet you’re still following me, so-treu. So that makes me a bitch too, and as electricspectrum and I are both bitches, isn’t it hypocritical to still be following me?

well, i follow you because i like you and agree with you on a lot of other things, and i rarely see you reblog electricspectrum. but if that’s how you feel, deuces.

It just feels a bit strange because although I don’t say it in the same way she does, I have similar views on black diaspora topics. I don’t know, I’m not saying to stop or anything, it’s just that I feel like I’ve said some of the same stuff she’s said, but it’s never bothered you in the same way electricspectrum bothers you?

no, because you’ve never said “massa taught you well, didn’t he?” why are we acting like that wasn’t a violent, hateful thing to say, especially given the convo that was happening when she said that??

look, i dont entirely disagree with her either, on all counts. if you remember i initially engaged with her and you and queerhairyvag about all of this. but at a certain point she stops listening, starts projecting, and starts lashing out. and it becomes clear that this is personal for her, as in she personally his issues with african americans. and im sorry some of us are dipshits but if y’all wont stand for us saying “all africans are like this” why should we stand for y’all saying “all black americans are appropriating assholes who dont respect africans and dont know african culture?” which is basically what she’s saying, over and over. no engagement with history, historical context, nothing.

I’m saying a lot of us were actually trying to to have conversations before that shit & the “You’re spitting on your ancestors” routine. I’d still like to actually discuss the issues, but I’m not about to let this yotch shit on people & their families & claim that her words are harmless. Nope. Not going for it.

You can cling onto the “routine” for as long as you see fit. 

Having negative feelings about culture is not unique to one group of POC. 

If someone told me that I spit on my ancestors by because I said that I had no culture I wouldn’t even bother to get upset. There’s history and context - racist oppressive things that have happened to make POC the world over do these things. What ever the reasons are the phlegm is still on the grave.

No one here is spitting on anyone’s history. I continue to try to have these conversations but you are interested in doing nothing but diminishing and derailing. I’m trying to have a conversation with some great people now but here you come being condescending and mention the Civil Rights Movement and Pan Africanism as that softens everything. 

I brought up my frustrations with cultural appropriation months ago. And you derailed then and made the Black American experience the center of the conversation.

I’m not here for it.

And the fact that you refuse to see that what you’re saying is offensive is part of the problem. I didn’t derail a damned thing, I tried to have a nuanced conversation about the reality of cultural appropriation amongst the peoples of the diaspora. You decided that facts & history & context don’t mean a thing unless someone is telling you that your anti Black American rhetoric is okay & acceptable. I’m not about to do that & I’m not going to let your bullshit cross my dash without pointing out the problems with your arguments. Keep telling yourself that everyone should think & feel the way you do. That’s the bigots way out & we all know it.

deliciouskaek
so-treu

so-treu:

izushiteesuteru:

so-treu:

this is what a sociopath looks like. this is what an abuser looks like.

“i’m going to stalk you and harass you because IT AMUSES ME.”

“and i am not responsible for my own actions”

seriously kill yourself

I got a death threat I feel so special. Now no one wins!!

fucker, this shit aint a game to me.

that’s what you dont understand.

this is our lives you are fucking with.

Riley is a real person. with real stalkers. ON and OFFline.

we get harassed EVERY. DAY. by soulless fucks like you.

and if none of that shit matters to you enough to NOT to stalk them then to me you are a waste of flesh who is doing nothing but taking up precious resources. like air.

also, telling you to kill yourself is not a death threat. it is saying, kill yourself.

fuck off and die. in case it wasn’t clear the first time.