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Esoterica: I have so many conversations with “good” black men who were out & out...



I have so many conversations with “good” black men who were out & out dogs until they found religion or whatever. Like years of just being wild as fuck, running through women like they were changing their socks wild, who will tell you in a minute that they’ll only wife a girl who is A) a virgin or…

A cousin had the worst wedding night ever because she was a virgin and wasn’t prepared for how logistically challenging a first time of PIV sex can be.  Just save yourself the way “Jesus” wants you to and all will be well.  All the pomp and circumstance just made the fall into reality a longer distance.  Needless to say, we were never told anything about pleasing ourselves or our partner.  I suppose “Jesus” was supposed to take care of that too.

Thankfully I’ve always known I couldn’t deal with a man whose gender politics were as hypocritical as the ones described above.  I’ve never had the spoons/energy for cognitive dissonance. That’s a short cut route for getting dropped out of my life.

Going forward I HAVE to have a partner that is comfortable with having frank discussions about sex, pleasure and what they want to give/receive.  It seems people want relationships, but don’t actually want to RELATE to their partners at all.  So what’s the point if you’re just full of shit and lie to yourself and others?  Stuff like this is why I’m happy to remain single.  It’s much easier.  When I think of all the people that I know who are paired up there are only a handful of them who have something I would want.

Yeah, I wound up having the “This is what should happen” convo with a religious friend of mine who’s brand new husband had never been with a virgin & thus their first time was awful. Mind you, he wasn’t a virgin but he didn’t have a clue about extended foreplay or well…much of anything beyond what it took to make him get off.


The Patriarchy Even Denies Women The Right To Fully Love A Man


You know what pisses me off, even though women are supposed to be these passive creatures utterly devoted to their men, the patriarchy denies us the right to even fully and properly LOVE a man.  It denies us even enough agency to be allowed to care for and about a man the way men are women.

  • We’re supposed to wait to be protected by our knight in shining armor, we’re never allowed to stand up and fight alongside our partner.  Like if there’s a noise downstairs, and you actually CARE about someone, you don’t let them go down there alone to check it out, you grab a heavy object and you go downstairs with them, because two people are more capable of overpowering a wild animal or intruder than one.
  • We’re not supposed to care how men look, so we can’t think our boyfriend/husband/partner is the most fucking beautiful thing on earth, and we’re shallow if that was ANY part of the reason we chose to be with him.  Because we live in a heteronormative patriarchal society men aren’t ever supposed to be “attractive” or “sexy”
  • We’re supposed to passively receive expensive gifts and not give the same in return (semi-understandable with the wage gap, but still)
  • We’re supposed to let our men protect us, sacrifice themselves for us, and are somehow castrating harpies if we lift a finger to stand up for them in return.  It’s supposedly emasculating to be a man who has a woman who loves you enough to fight for you, and that’s REALLY fucked up, because if you really truly and completely love someone, you WILL stand up to help them when they need you.
  • We’re apparently “emasculating” our partners if we try to earn more money to help support them, or buy them nice things because we care about them.
  • We’re so fully objectified that we’re objects capable of receiving love and lust, but never giving them in return.

Instead we’re supposed to sacrifice our identities, our dreams in exchange for a white knight who will protect us from the scary world, and honestly, that’s not fucking romantic, that’s… if it were actually necessary the most purely mercenary thing I can think of doing.  We’re told women don’t like “nice guys” if we don’t date a white knight (and punished) because womanly love is actually supposed to be coldly pragmatic according to society, and we’re breaking the script if we don’t choose an option society sees as “The best host for our benevolent parasitism”  All we’re allowed to do (and therefore what we are ALWAYS supposed to do) is stroke wounded feelings and look pretty.

And fuck that, i don’t want to be forced to be a parasite, I don’t want to be the fragile pixie who’s character is defined be her romantic entanglement, I actually want to be allowed to be a person who loves another person, and is that actually too much to ask?

(via moniquill)



Love & Hip-Hop Atlanta’s Stevie J Is The Face of “The Bad Guy On Campus” at University of Maryland-Eastern Shore

When I dropped my daughter off at UMES to start her freshman year at the HBCU located in Princess Anne, MD, I noticed pictures on some of the stars of VH1’s hit reality show “Love & Hip-Hop Atlanta” on one of the bulletin boards in the girls’ dormitory. I couldn’t understand for the life of me why there would pictures of these ratchet ass Black people on the walls of where the young ladies would be living while at college. Of course I scrunched my face up at it since I abhor that show and everything for which stands. Hit or not, it’s a hot mess and not one person on that show is anyone the girls should be looking to as a role model of any sort.

But upon closer inspection, I noticed that the Resident Assistant that had put the bulletin board together used the pictures of Stevie J and his “Baby Mama” Mimi and his side-piece Joseline to tell a cautionary tale to the girls of how to handle boys who might try to take advantage of them on campus. Let me break down the dialogue in the pics:

Pic 1 (Stevie J): “Hey beautiful, I’ve noticed you for a while. I was wondering if we could hang out in my room sometime?”

Pic 2 (Mimi): “Well, thank you for the compliment. So, what’s your classification? And by the way, my name is MiMi, because you never asked.”

Pic 3(Stevie J & Joseline): “I’m a freshman at the age of 25 because I started school late. But enough about me, let’s hang out in my room and chill.” 

“Pssshhh. Hahahaha! Now that’s funny. Now if you need help, I can help you at the library. Why do you keep insisting that we go to your room? Nah, I’m good sweetheart. No thank you.”

Pic 4 (Stevie J): “See, there you go. I was only trying to have a good time. There was no need for you to be extra. I don’t want nothing from you but to treat you with respect. Bye, young!”

Pic 5 (K.Michelle): Finally! Boy bye! You do not even know me or wanted to get to know me first. How was we going to have a good time in your little room? Pssshh. You didn’t ask me to go bowling in the SCC or anything! Try again with someone else. 


This creative young R.A. used characters and imagery that the young freshman girls probably already recognize to demonstrate how some guys that are very much like Stevie J may try to approach them. She flipped the script though and showed the female characters of the show empowered and strong in their right to NOT be taken advantage of by a guy that means them no good. When I go back, I am going to have to take her some cookies or snack cakes for doing such a wonderful job with a very important message. It made me feel comfortable leaving my daughter in a place where people are concerned about her development, safety and overall well-being. And that’s all any mother wants for her child when leaving them in the care of someone else.


(via notesonascandal)





also re: poly and poly being inherently subversive/radikewl — people often talk about how monogamy has enabled/structured/codified a lot of violence through capitalism, misogyny, and racism to talk about DESTROYING MONOGZ!!11 but isn’t it also obvious how people — especially white men — have consumed, raped, owned, and colonized women (esp women of color) by desiring them all, being entitled to them all, owning them all… and still continue to do so? like, let’s be real. i’m not judging yr desires (necessarily — though desire isn’t exactly something neutral or pure either). i’m judging how you are perpetrating harm. and the problem isn’t necessarily monogamy.

violence can be perpetrated in any and all kinds of relationships, unless how you do relationships themselves is grounded in being super fucking deliberate about ending violence/oppression and handling yr shit

Breathless from all this truth right now.

ive been trying to say this for so long.  thank you. 

I have some thoughts about predatory poly people I’ve met & how hard they’ve tried to convince me enlightenment included fucking them regardless of how I feel about monogamy. But I’m tired & not in the mood to hear how mean I am to the nice poly folks so I’ll just say THIS & keep it moving.


When do boys meet girls?



I was talking to one my homies and she was talking about how she no longer finds Dave Chappelle funny because she believes misogyny permeates through far too many of the sketches that involve women. I can’t really offer any sort of rebuttal to that because I haven’t watched the series in years and the only ones that come to mind pretty much exclude women except for the one when he is in the car dancing to some music and the woman with him titty pops out.

Then she started listening the stereotypes women get like they’re difficult, angry, nuts, and so on and so forth. Essentially, men don’t understand women as people. So, I sat on that for a couple a seconds. What I came up with is that it is to be expected. Men’s lives don’t intersect with women until a nigga wants to fuck. And I say nigga because and not because I’m black or to be crass, but put out the crassness of the conversation and the desired relationship with women. As young boys we are never encouraged, and often shunned if we do, to delve into the world that has been constructed as girl/women. You are not supposed to watch shows for girls, listen to music for girls, play with girls’ toys, read books for girls and pretty much anything that is marketed/divisible into boy and girl. None of the material we’re given as boys really even includes girls except in the tomboy role.

And the tomboy role is an interesting function. That is when girls are allowed, there are still hurdles and restricts considering she is still a girl, to interact with boys among boy society. There is always some pushback among the boy fraternity, but she will have interaction with boys on boy level. Far more than the inverse at least. While there are mountains of positive things to be said about girls being tomboys, from a male perspective this is problematic to me on some level because the interaction is only taking place in his territory (for the majority of the time at least).

Now for girls it is interesting to me because straight (OUT OF THE DUNGEONS OF RAP) of the womb they are pretty much forced to interact with the boy world in every facet of their life. Firstly, all things that they consume will pretty much be in lesser quantity than the boys. And even within the little that they get exclusively targeted to them there will pretty much always be substantial male influence/characters permeating throughout the entirety to it. Shit, there are times with stories that take place in an entire female border school/university and with just a single male character he dominates the narrative. So, with parse amount they do receive they still get healthy (err…) doses of boyhood. In addition to that they’re encouraged to play with boys and consume our media alongside us. Women’s lives are intertwined with both masculinity and femininity since they are toddlers. It would seem contradictory to say that men’s lives aren’t, but we have to keep in mind that men only meet women in childhood and adolescence on their ground. No budges.

Now we get to a nigga wants to fuck stage. Fucking clueless as all hell. This may feel like a tangent, but I believe it bares mentioning. Lets sit back and think how many men actually know what a period is. Right? Right? This is one of the most basic things that can happen to women, but it is not understand by men beyond bad stand-up, terrible stereotypes on TV, and signifying that now that particular woman is able to get pregnant. I think that is one of our greatest examples of our profound ignorance of women. A simple biological necessity in order to make sure that the planet continues to have your species is barely understood beyond the most tenuous grasps of the basics. Where was I again? Okay yes, a nigga wants to fuck and we’re clueless. We’ve had zero training or preparation for this. Shit we haven’t even learned that you’re fellow fucking human beings yet! Jesus, we’re fucked. Sort of. Well not sort of, it’s a no. Women kind of just accept our ignorance because of one of our favorite phrases “boys will be boys.”

I know a positive example of a woman that are usually in boys lives in the mother. I would say it’s a good point. I would, but I won’t. Why? Well because mothers are not women to their sons. Mothers to sons barely exist on the same plain as human beings. They are God damn heavenly perfect figures. Which is why men who love their mothers (live, breathe, and die for them) can still give zero fucks about the treatment of other women in the world including how he treats women. I believe that regardless of how much a girl may love her daddy, there will almost certainly be a certain point and time in relationship when she starts seeing his as both a man and father (or even just a men who happens to be her father).

I feel like now I should answer my question prompted in the title. I honestly can’t say when because I think a significant percentage (I am neither optimistic or pessimistic right now so I would say majority or major minority) simply do not. That’s not to say these men secretly hate the women they are married to, have kids with, and stay married with their entire lives. Nope. Still love. That’s all possible. That doesn’t necessarily mean that he recognizes their humanity. It doesn’t mean he has any grasp on the totality of women as people. It’s just, I don’t know. Feels like an extremely basic thing you know?

Then again I’m still working on myself with deconstruction within my mind and my views on women aren’t always awash in completely picture perfect views of women as people. Doesn’t matter whether I fucking loved the Powerpuff Girls growing up or that I had more female friends than male friends in schooling or that most of the characters I emphasize with in film are women or that I love or 15 million other things, they are still there regardless. It’s a long process that shouldn’t be a long process. I’m still ashamed of myself for it.

Bolded for emphasis.

(via ethiopienne)


Tyrese Mansplains To ‘Too Independent’ Women | Racialicious




Tyrese reveals his expectation that women must bend to meet male needs. I don’t see in the above video a man who values black women and loves them. I see a man concerned that black women might be too capable, too free. Independent women have options and demands, as men do. Independent women are choosy, as men are. A strong man has no problem meeting partners on an equal playing field, but a weak man needs a weaker partner to feel strong. Any man preaching against independence for women unwittingly lays himself bare.

We decided yesterday on Twitter that Tyrese licks old window glass. Clearly the arsenic exposure has rotted what little of his brain exists.

Firstly I’d like to say that I am a feminist. I believe all of the previous comments are in their respect are true, but I guess I just interpretted it differently. He says a man doesn’t want a women who relies on their looks and their “sexy” to get ahead, ultimately freeloading on other people. He says men don’t want a women who DOESN’T want to go to college or further their knowledge in efforts to become someone. I don’t think he’s preaching against independence for women, I think he’s simply saying “don’t forget about us” while are you being an independent beautiful women. 

What he fails to say or bring up is why men go after these women who rely on their “sexy” or their looks to eventually freeload. As an undergraduate I’ve been told several times by men that no one wants a wife in college. I think the bigger issue is us females who are actively trying to better themselves are put to the side and left for later on in life when males decide they are ready to “settle down”. My opinion? FUCK THAT. If you don’t want or appreciate me now, there is no later. It’s seems as though men have chosen quantity over quality.  

I think this plea for a one way level of regard & respect is a major problem in the discourse between het single black men & women. Society already treats black women as the mules of the world. When black men buy into that bullshit? Nothing good can come of it. If I have to do all the housework, work outside the home, & stroke a man’s ego then what am I doing for myself? Relationships are a two way street. Well healthy relationships are anyway. And I rarely if ever in these oh so helpful mandates hear about what men are going to do for the women that they want to be less independent. That’s before we get into Tyrese’s ongoing lack of critical thinking skills and homophobia.

It’s like, we date people, like let’s say, you know, we’re interested in somebody and we put on the perfume and dress up and then we do things that we will never ever ever do again! You understand what I’m sayin? It’s like…And that’s why so many marriages end up in divorce. It’s because people wake up next to a stranger. They say, Who the hell are you? What are you doing in this bed? Where’s that man that used to do ‘du, dua, and du.’ And I’m sayin let’s give them reality from the door because…you’re going to attract love, and the one that really loves you. And then you don’t have to pretend and falsify.

Ms. Lauryn Hill (via sulihpoeht)

“Just take me as I am or take nothing at all.”

(via strugglingtobeheard)

(via bad-dominicana)

Attempted Danger: The Relationship Misunderstanding: Or, the Problem of Mixed Friendship


So I want to briefly write about this conundrum because it’s something I’ve got a history with—a painful history—and something I’ve noticed plenty of asexuals and aromantics also experience. For some reason, it suddenly became clear to me in a new way, and while none of this will surprise asexuals…

Because the sexual person (who is entitled to their own happiness after all) doesn’t want that kind of commitment. It sucks, but no one is entitled to make someone else adhere to their definition of a happy relationship if it is not what the other person wants.

(via outlawroad-deactivated20130412)